Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Looking For The Top 1%

I have come up with a very controversial theory that is bound to cause an uproar throughout the country, and maybe even the entire known and unknown universe. It will inevitably ruffle some people's feathers, and probably rub some people the wrong way, and countless other idioms that I can't think of right now. This might not be the best time or place to unleash my new theory, what with all the political savagery going on in the land, but if I wait for a more opportune time, it may not have as big an impact as it should. And I might forget it. So, without further delay, here is my Theory of the Top 1%:


I theorize that 1% of the newborn and baby sized socks in the world contain 99% of the elastic!

I know this theory might be too mind-boggling to grasp for some of you, so if that's the case, just nod your head to show agreement with all the parents.

Yes, my theory is that only one out of every 100 pairs of baby socks contains enough elastic to keep them on the baby's foot for more than 5 seconds. I came up with this theory because our house is home to approximately 1,000 pairs of baby socks, but only 10 or so actually work. The rest are useless. When we are fortunate enough to find a pair that has enough elastic, we make our baby wear them for between three and four months in a row, because we don't want to have to go through the piles to find another good pair.
These may be the cutest socks ever made. Unfortunately, they are useless. I can tell, just by looking at the photo, that there is not enough elastic in them to keep them on any baby's foot. Photo courtesy of world-trade.com

I have another theory that I haven't tried out yet. The jist of that theory is that, instead of looking for socks that stay on, maybe I should always dress my baby in socks that fall off. Then they will fall off outside of our home, and I will never have to be bothered with them again...This theory needs a little bit more work. Look for my manifesto on this subject at a later date.

I know this may be a lot to absorb right now. Your mind is probably spinning with all these theories flying around. The good thing is that you can just let me worry about all the useless baby socks we have in the world. I'm sure I'll be the only one. 

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