Saturday, January 12, 2013

My Great New Diet Plan

I have unwittingly stumbled upon one of the greatest, most effective, and easiest diet plans that has ever been devised. It has helped me to lose almost 10 pounds, and keep it off for more than 4 months. And it couldn't get any easier. Pretty much, all I have to do is live, and the pounds just keep coming off. No exercise, no special diet, no counting of calories; I don't have to do anything, but I keep losing weight. It's awesome!

What, you may ask, is this amazing plan that fell into my lap without my looking for it? I will tell you. All you need to do to lose weight is (drum roll, please)........register your 3-year-old daughter for preschool! (Ta-da!)

You are probably thinking to yourself, "Self, this Scott Hanson character is loony. What could putting his daughter in preschool have to do with his losing weight?"
This is the "After" picture of me. You can tell this is really me because I have that exact tape measure sitting here on my desk.
Well, I will tell you. Ever since the Girl started preschool way back in September, she has consistently been bringing germ after germ home from school, and giving them directly to me. Every week I am sick with one kind of illness or another. One week I will be hacking up a lung. The next week I will have a vicious tummy bug that makes me keep in close contact with the bathroom. After that my sinuses will be so stuffed up and drippy that I need to bungee cord a box of Kleenexes to my belt loop. It's been a never-ending vicious cycle that I don't see ending any time until summer vacation.

But, you see, the plus side is that, with all of the sickness that has invaded my body, I either am not able to keep whatever food I have eaten inside me, or I don't feel like eating anything to start with. So, the pounds have just been floating off! It's amazing!

I would recommend this diet plan to anyone. If you want to lose weight, simply send your kids off to school. If you don't have kids, borrow some from someone who does. If you're not married, get married, and try to start having kids of your own, if you know what I mean. In three years and nine months, you could be in the best shape of your life!

Who would have ever thought that signing the Girl up for preschool would make such a difference in my life? There's only one problem that I can see: next year, when the Boy goes to preschool too, there may be so many germs, and I may lose so much weight, that I will whither away. I better pack on the pounds this coming summer, just to be ready. Seems like a good idea to me.

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