Wednesday, January 16, 2013

The Wife and I Are Exactly Alike. Except For...

I don't know how I found a woman that thinks exactly like I do, but I did. OK, not exactly like I do. Nobody thinks as weirdly as I do. Well, very few at least. Only a handful that I've come across, so far. You know who you are. But, when it comes to things that matter, the Wife and I are almost always on the exact same page.

Not that I came into our marriage with any preconceived ideas about parenting (I am a guy, after all), but now that we are parents, we always agree on how we should discipline the little buggers, and our overall philosophies on parenting are identical.

We also have similar tastes in food. We share the same beliefs. We like to watch the same TV shows, although I am much more inclined to watch sports than the Wife is. We usually like similar movies. She'll even indulge me in a Coen brothers' movie every once in a while. We share the same ability to put off doing the laundry. It's truly amazing how alike we are!

Except when it comes to our internal thermostat. We are far different when it comes to preferred temperatures. But even this rift really only shows itself intermittently - and only at night.

When we get under the covers at night, the Wife is almost always freezing. We have a dual-control electric blanket on our bed, so we can each control our own side. The temperature controls on this amazing human achievement are numbered: "1" is the least-hot setting, and then it gets progressively warmer with "2", "3", "4", etc. I should clarify that it's numbered until you get to the hottest setting, which, instead of being "10", which would be logical, is actually "H", which I presume stands for "HOLY MOLY, THAT'S HOT!" The Wife absolutely loves "H", at least when we are going to bed. She cranks that puppy up to "H", and leaves it there for a good while. I, on the other hand, am rarely as cold as the Wife, so even on days when I do turn my side of the blanket on, I never set it above a "1". "1" is just enough to take the chill out of the sheets and make me comfortable. And I almost always turn my side of the blanket off within a few minutes. If I don't, I will soon be drenching the bed in sweat. Not a pretty picture, let me tell you!
Mmmmmm, dual controls!

The previous scenario plays out at bedtime, but by morning everything has changed. When I awake from my slumber, underneath the covers all cozy and snug, I routinely find my beautiful bride without any covers on at all. At some point in the night, she goes from agonizingly cold to excruciatingly hot. I don't get it. I don't know if she gets it. If I was being silly I could say "Hey, my wife gets hotter throughout the night, heh heh!", but we all know that would be impossible, because she's already the hottest thing going. I think I may as well give up on my quest to understand this phenomenon, and just when I was this close to fully understanding women. Oh well.

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