Friday, March 8, 2013

This Post is Icky

The Wife and I don't particularly want to get in trouble with Child Protective Services, so many of the facts in the following story have been altered. Try to figure out which ones they are.

We had quite a frightful experience at our house last week. It was so frightful that I debated whether to write about it at all. Writing about it meant that I would have to relive the experience over and over in my mind while trying to find the right words to describe it. Initially that was something I didn't really want to do. I guess time has eroded the frightful memories just enough that I can finally put it down on paper, or to be more accurate, on my computer screen. Here's what happened:

(Christina Aguilera) was home with all three of our kids. I (Bruce Willis, the coolest guy ever) was at work, enjoying the relative peace and quiet. Notice I didn't say it was actual peace and quiet. Just relative peace and quiet. For some reason I thought I should point that out.

Anyway, (Christina Aguilera) and I were communicating back and forth like we always do, via the Chat feature on facebook. I wanted to know how the kids were doing, and (Christina Aguilera) wanted to know how work was going. It was a nice, normal afternoon.

Then it happened. (Christina Aguilera) had been silent on Chat for a little while, and then she sent me the frightening message "You don't want to know what the Baby just did." Of course, being the nosy dad that I am, (Christina Aguilera)'s message made me really want to know what the Baby just did. When I found out what she had done, I wished I was back in my awesome movie "Looper", so I could go back in time and not know what the Baby just did.

It turns out that the Girl had to go to the bathroom. As 3-year-olds are prone to do, she did not pay any attention to the Baby, who followed her into the bathroom. And, as she sometimes does, the Girl locked the door behind her. Although we are trying to get her to not lock the door, it really isn't a big deal, except on rare occasions. This was one of those occasions.

After she was done going potty, the Girl really wanted (Christina Aguilera) to come into the bathroom, for reasons that are unknown to me. But, remember, the door was locked, so the Girl had to go and unlock the door for (Christina Aguilera). As (Christina Aguilera) walked into the bathroom, the Girl blurted out "Hey, (Christina Aguilera), look what the Baby is doing!" (Christina Aguilera) looked, and to her horror, saw that the Baby had pulled herself up, reached into the open (thing), and was putting some of the used (stuff) into her open (what-have-you).

Chaos ensued, as (Christina Aguilera) quickly grabbed the Baby, pulled the (stuff) out of her (what-have-you), and proceeded to wash it out with (what should have been bleach). Thankfully it all happened quickly, so none of the (stuff) was (ingested). That would have been bad.

So, the moral of the story is, if you happen to be a 3-year-old, pay attention to who is crawling around behind you, don't lock the bathroom door so that your parents can't come in if need be, and, if you have to get up off the (thing), always put the lid down.

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