Friday, August 16, 2013

The Secret to a Good Night's Sleep

I felt bad leaving the house yesterday morning, for several reasons. First of all, it was Thursday, and Thursdays always mean that I leave the Wife home alone with all three of our toddler delinquents, which is never a fun thing, in and of itself. But, several things made matters even worse, which is hard to believe, I know. First of all, the Boy got some kind of germ a couple of days earlier, which seems to have turned his entire brain into a giant mass of green goo that is bound and determined to make its way out of his head through his nose. He is constantly asking Mommy or Daddy to wipe his nose, even though his pockets are crammed full of tissues for him to use on himself. I think maybe he thinks that having his brain turn into green goo is a good reason for Mommy & Daddy to show him some sympathy. Like that will ever happen...

Secondly, the Baby seems like she might be getting a second tooth in. It's difficult to tell for sure because teething makes most babies sullen, angry and despondent, but that's how she has been since the day we brought her home from the hospital. She seems like she has been a little extra sullen, angry and despondent recently, though. Whatever the reason, she's been waking up and crying, multiple times per night for the last couple nights like she might be in some pain, which is a good way to make everyone else in the house a little more sullen, angry and despondent, too. When I walked out the door yesterday morning, the Baby was letting out an audible shriek that was rattling the cupboards. I would have turned around to see what the problem was, but I was already running late for, you know, whatever...

The third reason I felt bad for leaving the Wife was that she, again, did not get a good night's sleep that night. For whatever reason, she does not get a good night's sleep very often. Oftentimes, I am told that she didn't think she slept at all. I need to be told that because I always sleep right through her not sleeping. More often she sleeps for a little while, but then wakes up after a couple of hours and can't get back to sleep. She seems totally miserable many mornings, and I feel very bad for her. I wish that I could sleep for her, since I am a very good sleeper, oftentimes falling asleep within seconds of hitting my pillow. But, that's not an option, unfortunately.

I may not be able to sleep for her, but I am able to devise a good crackpot theory every once in a while, and I have come up with a doozy this time. See, I think the problem with the Wife's poor sleeping is that she sees too well. She's got really good eyes, never needing glasses or contacts. She sees things clearly, whether she's really sleepy or wide awake. I, on the other hand, am pretty much as blind as a bat when I take my glasses off. Everything is blurry. I can see OK without my glasses, if the thing I am looking at is approximately 1/2 an inch in front of my eyes. Anything farther away than that is completely fuzzy. And that, I believe, is why I have no problem going to sleep at night. My eyes can't see anything anyway, so they just turn themselves off as soon as I put my glasses on my nightstand. If I could see better, like the Wife can, my eyes would probably want to stay on and look at things all night. So, my theory is that if you want to have a good night's sleep, have really bad eyes, like me. I thank my mom and dad for my terrible eyesight every time I hear the Wife hasn't slept well. She had the unfortunate curse of being born with good eyes. Hopefully age will start to rectify her situation.
This is pretty much what the entire world looks like when I take my glasses off. No wonder my eyes have no problem going to sleep at night! Who are those people, any how...?

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