Monday, September 16, 2013

The Demise of Whitey

If you know me well, you probably know that I am always walking the fine line that exists between being edgy and being racist. Sometimes I just can't help myself, and I find myself hurtling over the line into full-blown racism. This might be one of those times. I'm sorry if what I am about to write offends you.


We thought that when we recently moved into our new house, we were moving into a very racially diverse neighborhood that embraced all cultures equally. Just in our block alone there live several Asian families, an Indian family (would they be considered Asian, too? I can never remember...), an African-American family, a few older white couples, and a couple of possible serial killers (that's just my assumption from the limited interactions I've had with them. I tend to assume everyone is up to something until I get to know them better). And don't forget the All-American family with 2 dogs and 2.5 kids. (That's us. The Baby only counts for half of a kid until she is willing to do more chores around the house.)

Even the animals in our new neighborhood were racially diverse. Along with the millions of regular gray squirrels that live in the neighborhood, there was a family of albino squirrels that lived there, too. It seemed as though every time we drove up or down a certain street nearby, we would see one, two, or even four or five blindingly white squirrels running around from tree to tree. The world can be a dangerous place for albino animals, so it was fun to think that our quaint little neighborhood could be a safe place for a bunch of rodents that essentially glow in the dark.

Life can be hard, especially if you're a glow-in-the-dark squirrel...
Apparently the neighborhood is not as tolerant of albino squirrels as we once thought, though. Little by little, it seemed as though there were fewer and fewer sightings of our beloved white squirrels. Just last week, I thought to myself, "Self, I don't think you've seen an albino squirrel around here for a long time. I wonder what happened to them...Did a band of outlaw hawks move in and hunt them down, one by one? Did one of the local old guys shoot them with his pellet gun from his kitchen window (not that I know anyone who would do something like that...)? Did all the gray squirrels taunt them and spray paint racist images on their nest until they decided to move?"

I was just starting to feel sad about all the hatred and evil that exists in our world, when I looked over at one of the maple trees in a neighbor's yard, and there was a gleaming white squirrel scurrying around in its branches. Oh, what a sight to behold! Maybe this world wasn't such a bad place after all. Maybe there's a place in this world for all squirrels, no matter what color they are.

I had a spring in my step and felt really good about life, until the next day when I saw the smushed pile of white fur on the road that had been the last of the albino squirrels. Oh well, we didn't need those freaky squirrels around, any way.

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