Wednesday, October 30, 2013

The Scourge of Q-Tips

Drugs are bad. You shouldn't do drugs. But there are a lot of other things, legal things, that are also bad for you. And, just because those things are legal doesn't mean they don't have the ability to take over your life and drive you to do things you know you shouldn't do.

Take Q-Tips, for example. Q-Tips are perfectly legal. Any red-blooded American, Mexican, Canadian, and even most French people can go into any corner store and buy as many Q-Tips as they want. I could send my 3-year-old, the Boy, into my local WalMart, and he could buy up as many Q-Tips as he could wrap his grubby little arms around, provided he remembered to bring his wallet with him. And, provided somebody helped him count out his money - he's not real good with numbers yet. But that's beside the point. The point is that it's perfectly legal to own and use Q-Tips.

Let's face it, though. There's only one reason any sane person would use Q-Tips, and that's the one thing that you're not supposed to use them for: cleaning out your ears. On the box it says you can use Q-Tips for such mundane things as applying ointments and creams, cleaning off your computer keyboard, and any household cleaning. With that last one they show a picture of a grimy bathtub. Who is going to use a Q-Tip to scrub a bathtub?!?! Nobody, that's who.

Ever notice how the Q-Tips box is the exact same color as the blue meth in Breaking Bad? Coincidence? I think not...
So, it is a proven fact that the only reason anyone ever uses Q-Tips is to clean out their ears. Personally, I am totally addicted to it. I love to clean out my ears! It feels so good to get in there and scratch my itchy ear canals in an unlawful manner with my beloved Q-Tips. It kind of makes me feel like a rebel, too. Just like James Dean. Oh yeah, I'm bad news. You don't wanna mess with me when I'm on Q-Tips!

Every once in a while I try to quit. It can be rough, though. I usually can only go a few days before the itch in my ears gets so bad, and I can't resist the temptation. If only somebody in the house would use all of our Q-Tips to clean the bathroom, so there wouldn't be any for my ears. But then the Boy would just go back to WalMart to get some more...seems like I'm stuck in an endless cycle of Q-Tips...

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