Thursday, November 14, 2013

The Opposite of Fun...

This might make me seem like some kind of crazed, homicidal maniac, but I have found it to be very exhilarating, and maybe even a little fun, to kill the mice that live in our house. It's exciting to set the traps. It's thrilling to figure out where to place them for the optimum kill ratio. My pulse pounds when I sneak downstairs twelve times a day to see if I've caught anything. And it's a time for jubilation when I find one of the little buggers smushed within the jagged death-jaws of my plastic reusable traps. All in all, the whole process is surprisingly fun.

You wanna know what isn't fun? In fact, it's not just that it's not fun, it's that it is the complete opposite of fun. The antithesis of fun. It is completely void of all fun. It's abominable, awful, and totally terrible all rolled into one (can you tell who's been reading his thesaurus lately?). This calamity occurs when, instead of finding a nicely smushed, ready-to-be-disposed-of mouse corpse in the jaws of one of the traps, I find a very much alive, kicking and screaming mouse that's only been grabbed by one or two of its legs. It's the worst!

This has now happened twice in the past week. Instead of joyfully strolling out to the garbage can to dispose of a body whose life was sucked out of it without my having to witness it, I am forced to put on my executioner hat and do the dirty deed myself. So far, the best way I've come up with is to put the poor little rodent in a plastic bag and then smash the bag against the driveway several times. That might not be the most humane way to do it, but at least I don't have to look at it while it's happening. Even us crazed, homicidal maniacs have some scruples.
If you see me outside, swinging one of these around wildly, and then smashing it on my driveway, there's no need to be afraid. Unless you are a mouse. Then you should be very, very afraid...Mooooohahahahahaha!

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