Friday, October 9, 2015

Baching It, or Batching It, or However You Spell That...

My family left me. I am all alone. Mine is a sad and lonely life right now. All I can do is mope around the house in my underwear, trying not to cry into my tub of ice cream. I can tell the dogs feel sorry for me by the way they stand at the door, waiting for somebody, anybody, else to come home. That's OK. I don't need my dumb dogs to keep me company. I'll just curl up on the sofa and eat as many frozen pizzas as I can cram into my mouth. Pizzas are more loyal than dogs, any way...

Yup, everyone left. The Wife left, and she took with her the Girl, the Boy, the Little One, and the Fetus. They sped off in the Sister-in-law's car, and the Sister-in-law was behind the wheel at the time, so maybe I should blame her for my sadness. She took my family away...

If I still drank, I would probably be wallowing in beer right now, even though it's currently 9:33 in the AM as I am writing this. Since I don't drink any more, I'll just keep wallowing in ice cream and pizza and self pity. As George Costanza once said, "Pity is highly underrated", and I'll add "Self pity is just as good as other pity". I wonder how much ice cream and pizza I can eat in the next two days, you know, before they all come home from their weekend trip...
This is what happens to me when my family leaves. I sit around and get all depressed, my hair grows out, my glasses revert back to the 1990s, and I lose about 60 pounds despite cramming pizza and ice cream into my mouth all day. It's not a pretty sight...

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