Tuesday, April 5, 2016

The Man With Hooves

I don't really have hooves. I have two normal feet, just like everyone else. But it's funnier, to me at least, to tell people that I have been afflicted with Hoof & Mouth Disease (which I haven't) than to tell them I have had Hand Foot & Mouth Disease (which I really have). Hoof & Mouth Disease can pretty much only affect animals with hooves, and I am not one of those. An animal with a hoof would be something like a cow, a goat, a deer, or even a pig. Although I am an expert impressionist of all of those animals, I have never claimed to be one of those animals.

I am, in fact, a human, and humans get Hand Foot & Mouth Disease, although most of the humans who get it are under the age of 5. Actually, to be more truthful, most of the humans who get it are under the age of 1. As children get older, they seem to get more and more immune to the disease, and adults almost never get it. In fact, I read, or possibly dreamed, that 99.99999999% of adults who are exposed to the virus don't get it, or if they do get it, they don't show any signs of it. I guess I am the one in a million adult who not only gets it, but gets it worse than anyone in the History of Medical Ailments. I'm so proud...

We knew our kids had gotten Hand Foot & Mouth Disease in Oklahoma when they were there a couple of weeks ago, but since we read that adults don't usually get it, we kept treating our kids normally, and didn't take many precautions. That was my first mistake. "Never touch your children if you don't want to get sick" should be my new personal motto...Yes, I started feeling queasy last Tuesday afternoon, and by the next day I started getting a few itchy red bumps on my hands. Soon the first of those red bumps turned into painful red blisters, and then were followed by thousands of more itchy red bumps. The bumps on my hands were bad, but the ones on my feet were the worst. First they enveloped both of my heels, filling each and every step I took with sharp, shooting pains that emanated from a hundred different spots. Then the bumps in and around my toes turned into itchy sores. At least the constant itching kept me from thinking about how much pain I was in... Hand Foot & Mouth Disease, as far as I am concerned, is the worst. Sure it's kind of fun to be known as a one in a million kind of guy, but the accolades don't make up for the misery I endured.

Between the four of our kids, I think we counted about 25 red spots, and only one child, the Boy, ever complained about any itching. I think I had at least 250 red spots or blisters on each hand, and they all itched. Thankfully, although I still have some spots, most of them have started to recede, and they haven't itched for a couple of days now. I think I am finally getting over this case of Hand Foot & Mouth Disease.If only I had hooves, instead of feet and hands...

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