Wednesday, March 23, 2016

The Comma Man or is it The Comma, Man...

Slowly but surely, we are working on cleaning out the store room in our basement. You know, the one that we couldn't get more than about 13 or 14 inches into a few weeks ago. Part of the job of cleaning it out included going through some boxes that we hadn't unpacked since we have lived in the house. Sure, it's been almost four years since we moved in, but I think the proper timeframe for completely unpacking is something like 10 years, so we're cool. I think I read that in Dear Abbey once...

One of the boxes I recently went through had been sealed shut for almost 8 years now, and I know it hadn't been opened because I am the one who sealed it, and I am the only person on the face of God's Green Earth who would ever want to look inside it. It held all of my papers, tests and other paraphernalia from my days at the University of Concordia-St. Paul, and we are quickly hurtling towards the 8th anniversary of my graduation from there. I thought it might be fun to save all my hard work so that a really bored Future Me could go through it and see what an awesome student I was at one time in my life. I did go through it, but it wasn't fun. The most fun was dumping the whole box in the recycle bin outside.

Going through all my old homework did bring back a memorable experience I had in one class, though. I'm not even sure what the class was, but one of our assignments was to write a short 2-page paper about something or other. After we had our first draft completed, we were supposed to switch papers with the person next to us so that they could critique our work before we started working on the final draft. I can picture the guy who I exchanged papers with, but his name, if I ever knew it, has escaped my brain. What I do remember is that, when I read through his paper, which was only a couple of pages long, remember, I found no fewer than 60 extra commas in places that didn't need them. Almost every sentence in the whole thing had at least one too many commas. I pretty much used up all the ink in my pen trying to scratch out all the superfluous commas I found. But what made it even more memorable was when he returned my paper to me, and I saw the 50 or so excessive commas he had added to my paper. He used a red pen, and it was like somebody had spilled red ink all over my nice, neat paper. His reaction to all of his scratched-out commas on his paper was just as remarkable...I'm pretty sure he thought I had some kind of deranged hatred for his beloved commas.

The truth is that I like commas very much, especially when used correctly. In fact, I think the comma might be my favorite punctuation mark of them all. But that doesn't mean it should be stuck all over the place for no reason. I am pretty sure I never saw the Comma Man again after that class ended. I wonder, what he did, with his life, and, if he ever, was able, to forgive me, for taking all, of his beloved commas, out, of, his, paper......
But only when they are needed...

Saturday, March 19, 2016

2 + 2 = Happy!

The Little One is 4 today, but it's really like she is celebrating her second 2nd birthday. Let me explain. For the first two years of her life, she was a complete stinker. She was by far the worst baby in the history of the world, and this is one time when I am not exaggerating. She was mad all the time. She didn't like to nap. She wouldn't let us have any peace and quiet. She screamed a lot, and when she wasn't screaming she was wailing, and when she wasn't wailing she was gnashing her gums. It was terrible, and I don't mean maybe.

Then she turned two, and it was like a switch in her little grapefruit-sized brain got flipped. She was happy more than she was angry. She didn't scream or wail or gnash all the time. She learned how to smile. And we were flabbergasted. So today, on her 4th birthday, we really are celebrating the fact that she has been happy for the exact same amount of time that she was angry. Two years of both. And tomorrow, God willing, she will remain happy, meaning that for the first time in her life she will have been happy more than she has been angry. It's like a tale of two different two-year-olds, in one body. I never thought we would get to this day... Happy birthday Little One!

Monday, March 14, 2016

Easy Baby!

We have had some easy-to-handle babies in our house over the years, and one terrible one. But I think our latest baby, the Baby, might be the easiest of all. She is chill with a capital "C". She is exactly what two geriatric parents needed. Thankfully, God decided to give us our terrible baby when we were still young and spry enough to handle her. Now that we are well into our 40s, and slightly decrepit, a terrible baby might have put us in the nut house. Thank you, God, for having mercy on us!

Yup, the Baby is certainly very chill, and most of the time extremely giddy. She might very well be the happiest baby in the History of the World. I am going to contact the people at the Guinness Book to see how they measure that quality. Look for the Baby's name in their next edition...


Monday, March 7, 2016

Sorry!

I finally found something that I have in common with Justin Bieber, which I wouldn't usually go around bragging about, but I thought this commonality warranted a blog post, mostly because I haven't had much inspiration lately, so any idea that popped into my head would seem like a good idea right about now...

Yes, both Justin and I are sorry. I am not exactly sure what Justin is sorry about, because I am not very good at deciphering the lyrics of pop songs. But I am sure that his latest "hit" song is titled "Sorry", so I assume he must be sorry about something. I could speculate that perhaps he is sorry about existing, but that would probably be giving him too much credit...

I also am sorry, but it's not for that same reason. I am sorry about one of my recent blog posts, in which I posted a photo of our most recent baby, the Baby, in which I had "zombified" her. I haven't received that many negative comments about a photo since I handed out my senior photos to all my friends way back in 1992... Please know that I didn't really turn her into a zombie, I just used some fancy online software to make the photo of her look like she was a zombie. She, in fact, is still a fully human baby, and only eating the things she is supposed to be eating, like milk, and her hands, and any small object she can grasp with her not-fully-developed finger muscles. So far, that does not include other human's flesh. So I can most assuredly say that I am 99% sure that she is not a zombie. I apologize for any confusion I caused.
We're both very sorry!